How was everyone's weekend? I have the most wonderful news!!! I DIDN'T SPEND ANY MONEY THIS WEEKEND!!!! Yay!!! I am so proud of myself. It took like a gazillion inner slaps to the head to stay home and head in any direction but the mall direction...lol. I feel so good about it too. As much of a spend-a-holic that I am, I feel so awesome about keeping my wallet full. Congrats to moi!!!
For those of you who celebrated Father's Day, I hope all of your daddy's were grateful and everyone had a fantastic day!
Since I have said good bye to Father's Day for quite some time now, I wanted to fill you all in as to why this is not a holiday I look forward to each year and why I'm minus my dadio :(
My parents divorced when I was 8 years old and to this day, my dad has barely made any effort to call me, make plans with me etc. He is off in his own little world and must have forgot that he created children...You would think that I would have some good memories of him, but to be honest, I only have bad ones. Some really bad crap went down when my parents were divorcing and that's all I can remember. I remember all the bad stuff that happened. Why is that? I don't have one single good memory of my father... it's so sad!
My mom, brother and I lived with my grandparents (mom's side) until she was able to afford a house of our own. My grandparents were like a second set of parents, and my poppa started to creep into that father figure role a bit. He was still a grandpa, but he seemed to spinkle a father dust on my brother and me to keep us going and to make our "father absence" easier. I appreciated it, but it wasn't the same.
To this day, I have been trying to regain a relationship with my dad. I am able to reach him by phone. He calls me every year, but just on my birthday. I have tried numerous times to try and build just even a friendship with him, but to no avail. Sometimes I feel like he is embaressed of his actions and/or even scared of me or something? Who knows...
Growing up I always felt like he just abandoned us, even if it wasn't true, that's how I felt. I felt like he was the only dad in the world who wanted NOTHING to do with us kids. My mom said he knew that my brother and I were better off with her, but really.... a couple visits every so often just doesn't leave a memory in my heart. I can honestly say that I have barely any memory of my father or what having a father feels like.
Since I have been trying over the years to plans dates that we can meet up and visit, or call him to just to chat, he doesn't make the effort to even call me back (other than my bday). I have tried so many frigging times to have just a friendship. I feel disappointed every time I wait for the phone to ring....nothing... no sign of living on his end.
I think having no father growing up and going through this heartache of abadonment etc, has made me really scared of relationships, of trusting, of anything for that matter. Sometimes I'm really hard of BF for things and I think it has to do with the effects of what my father has done to me.
I have LONGED for that father figure. When my cell phone would ring, I would always wonder if he would actually just call me and talk about nothing...lol, or even ask if I wanted to get together. I have been disappointed and neglected by him for so long now... I feel like I've been rejected, not good enough for him to call me.... I have found it very difficult to tell him how I feel because... he is a stranger in my eyes... think about what it's like to go up to a stranger and tell them how you feel.. It's like seeing an ex boyfriend after so many years.. you don't just start yelling at them do you?? Seriously people.. I just cannot!!!
I am now 29 years old. I have had enough of feeling like this. Since I moved into my house, I recently had to change my cell number so that it wasn't long distance anymore. I have made the really hard decision that enough was enough with my dad. I am not important to him, he doesn't care about me or wanting a relationship with me.. he can't even pick up the phone to call me and just say hi. What kind of person like myself, wants to sit by the phone and keep hoping that will change. I'm 29 frigging years old!!!! More than 20 years ago I have hoped and nothing!!!
I have made the decison to say goodbye to my dad. I have changed my phone number and am not giving it to him. I need to do whats right for me, not for him anymore. I have no idea what it's like to have a dad, and frankly... my mom did a fantastic job being a mom, that I am happy, healthy and in a good place. I don't need the heartache of a missing father.
I have a lot of anger towards everything and I hate him for what he's done... but I have made peace with my decision. Unless something traumatic happens or I happen to run into him one day in the future, I have said goodbye and so long.
Goodbye dad... Thank you for everything you have NOT done for me. I hope you are well and I wish you all the best :)
So friends... that is why I do not share Father's Day with most of you. I have no father to celebrate. BF has one of the most incredible father's that I have met... so we went over to his house and celebrated Father's Day with him :)
Has anyone been through anything like this? If so, how did you deal with it? Are you and your father close? Comment below and tell me. I know this is a very personal post, but maybe one day my father will want to learn about make up and hair stuff and maybe stumble on my blog?.....then he can read this for himself....LOL
Hope you all have a wonderful evening. I will see you all tomorrow. I had the most fantastic BBQ last night with BF... we finally got our BBQ to work and now I'm addicted...lol.. I also did a spinning class last night with a co-worker of mine and almost died... It was so hard but man... did I ever burn serious cals.. YAY for me!
xo
Mel
P.S I bought a new protein powder and am totally addicted. I will post about it tomorrow :) Love ya's.
